//Grappling with Mother’s Day if You’ll Never Be a Mom

Grappling with Mother’s Day if You’ll Never Be a Mom

Most times, I post a piece celebrating moms the Friday before Mother’s Day.

But there are many women on this blog and in our communities who struggle with infertility, miscarriages, or infant loss.

If that’s your story, today I wanted to dedicate this space to you. You are seen, you are loved.

I have a guest post from Amy Frazier, a Christian musician, sharing her story with us today. This is moving, and she has some great words of wisdom for us.

Here’s Amy:

“We are getting a pregnancy test and I am driving us to Wal-Mart right now!” yelled my sister.

We had a huge fight, and this wasn’t like me. She took me to the aisle and raced home so I could take it.

Just as my sister thought, it proved to be positive. This wasn’t the first time I’ve seen the plus signs. To be honest, I was scared to death that I was pregnant again. I already had three miscarriages and going through another one would be an impossibility for me.

On this particular day I was visiting my family in Oklahoma.

My husband and I were living in Alaska at the time, and because flights were so expensive, he stayed behind so I could enjoy a family getaway. After my test, I called Jared immediately. I could hear his excitement over the phone but also concern due to all the battles we’ve faced before.

I remember feeling really scared to do anything after that. I watched everything I put in my body, didn’t really exercise and every trip to the toilet was carefully monitored. I was living on the edge so to speak, praying and trying to stay relaxed.

It didn’t take long, a matter of two days, when I started spotting then going into light bleeding. I tried my best to stop the process by going immediately to my doctor, who also happened to be my sister’s doctor.

The crazy thing about this entire process was that everything I went through on my first miscarriage, I was going through on my fourth. And when I say “went through” I mean everything down to the last details, it was like reliving the entire situation over again.

As I was wheeling into surgery for my DNC, all I remember was crying under anesthesia wondering why I had to go through this again. My heart was so overwhelmed and my dreams of having children died that day. Not because I didn’t think God could give me children, but because after my fourth experience of loss, I just emotionally couldn’t take it again.

The memory of those losses relive itself every Mother’s Day.

Especially when a church or organization decides to give a gift or a rose to all mothers who enter the building. What a sad day for the barren women. I wish some of our evangelical leaders would get a clue to how hurtful it is for women like me. Not only that, but at many women’s conferences and events, where they always talk about families and “how to raise a godly child.” Again, it feels like another stab in the back and those of us who don’t have children are wondering why we came.

Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think our leaders are purposefully trying to outcast us.  I believe their hearts are in the right place, just hoping they can understand that not every woman is on the same journey.

It’s the elephant in the room. We don’t talk about miscarriages or losses because it’s uncomfortable. Well, I’m writing this to say to all women, please talk about it. Be uncomfortable for a few minutes because when you open your heart and become vulnerable, God shows His power in amazing ways through the love and support of other sisters in Christ.

There are many ways to confront these issues and build relationships with those who are hurting with loss around you, but I’m going to break it down to four.

1. Create classes or workshops that freely talk about the emotional pain of miscarriages at your next women’s conference.

I promise you more women have suffered through this than we know, even women who have children.

2. Never change the topic or have an awkward silence moment when a woman tells you about her past hurts and losses.

Actually, listen to her and even pray for her right at that moment. Let her know that what she went through is important to you and God.

3. Don’t ask about adoption.

Not everyone is called to adopt, but if God burdens their heart to do so, I’m sure they will.

4. Don’t jump to sharing your pregnancy success story.

Don’t tell them your struggles and then how successful you were when you tried this procedure or when your doctor found this issue that allowed you to get pregnant…etc, etc. Don’t offer any advice.

God loves us all with a deep and longing love that I really can’t put into words. It goes beyond any human understanding. God freed me from the deep hurt of all the losses I’ve had and there is a peace with great contentment that He gave Jared and I about not having our own children. God is always good to us and knows much more than we do.

How to feel about mother's day if you won't be a mom yourself and how the church can better support women struggling with infertility

I remember crying out to God after my first miscarriage asking Him why…why did this happen to my child. His response was, “That’s my child.” All I remember saying back to God was, “Yes Lord, You’re right!”

I meant every word of that too. The children that God could have allowed me to parent, has and always will be His and I can’t think of a better place for them to be, than in my Saviors arms.

As always, I’m learning right there with you,


About Amy


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Amy Frazier is a traveling worship leader, singer/songwriter and blogger out of Oklahoma City. Amy has a passion to write for the church about real life experiences so others can relate as well as see God’s mighty hand in their circumstances, with a little added humor. For more information about Amy, check out her website.

Join her Facebook page for updates throughout the year @ Amy Frazier Music. You can also find her on Twitter at @amyfraziermusic

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